I have made it through another 12 months to the day where even though Best Wishes are sent your way, its just a reminder of how much less time you have to spend the rest of your life & with the ones you love most.

Don’t get me wrong! I enjoy Birthdays & any celebration that comes along. It has always been tradition or more of a ritual in our family, like most to spend time with the Birthday person whether in person or by voice. Celebrate the event with a feast fit for a king, whether it be a lovingly cooked favourite meal or a special night out at a restaurant. End the night with a roudy rendition of “Happy Birthday” sung over flaming candles on a cake. Your never too old for this kind of magic!

My day started with waking in the arms of my beloved. Then a phone call from my eldest brother at 8am. Followed by a call from my two very much loved nieces at 8.30.

Off to work I went. Quiet dead cold day. 1 sale. $29.95. Work ended with a call from a work colleague with her warm wishes.

Came home & as placing my feet inside the hallway, my mobile rings. Coyote, loved friend from QLD wishing me a wonderful day.

After realising that indeed we are not doing anything special, I get into my warm pjs & settle in for the evening. Finding 1 lonely present on the table which was dropped in by an Uncle who lives nearby. Quite surprised at the lovely thought as we havn’t shared gifts with them for some time. Not since i was a child. It was indeed a sweet gesture.

Phone call from Batemans Bay. Mum, Bro & Sister in Law all wish me their best. It’s great to have a family who sticks together.

Then it hits me. I AM doing nothing for my birthday. No special dinner, not even TAKE AWAY! No family get together of a special cooked meal. No Birthday cake & No celebration. Damn the financial burdens. As Dean prepares pies with wedges for dinner, I get a deep feeling of the total opposite of being hungry. I don’t want pie.

I do know what I want, but it isn’t food. And for anyone thinking of anything else… no I am not speaking of an act between 2 consenting adults. I know what I want but I have no choice but to wait.

I have been asked what I want for my birthday. I honestly cannot answer with anything that my family can give me. It isn’t possible that the only thing I yearn for can be given by anyone else but 1.

Thus, I am quite saddened. Because yet again I won’t realy be getting what I want for my wish.

From the time I turned 19 & for several years after, all I ever wished for was for my Father. I know that is out of reach & totally impossible. Over the past 2 years I have wished for the same as I wish today. But this I am told I simply just have to wait for. Simply.

I am 29.

I am getting much further past the point than I ever wanted to be for my wish. I do not want to inflict in the future what I have had to suffer in the past. Yet somehow between Mother Nature & other factors, this has been forced upon me. I don’t expect others to understand or to care. Nor do I want them to. I just wish I could understand & accept it a little bit better. Perhaps before I sleep on my 29th Birthday, some miracle may occur. I may actually come to terms with what is deemed “My Life” & instead of whinge about what I want & what I don’t have, I can realise exactly what I do have.

Love.

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